Jane Says

Morality: It is what it is.

2010-12-27T12:35:00.000-08:00

“Rules against murder, theft, and lying codified by the Ten Commandments were intended to apply only within a cooperating group for the purpose of enabling that group to compete successfully against other groups. In addition, this in-group morality has functioned, both historically and by express intent, to create adverse circumstances between groups by actively promoting murder, theft, and lying as tools of competition. Contemporary efforts to present Judeo-Christian in-group morality as universal morality defy the plain meaning of the texts upon which Judaism and Christianity are based.

http://www.lrainc.com/swtaboo/taboos/ltn01.html

Blue is blue, and yellow is yellow – right? Yes. No. Maybe…

When you think about logic, morality, personality, or self awareness – you have to first think about where it all comes from: the human brain. You don’t think of self awareness first, or logic first, and then think about how the brain works as an afterthought. It’s the other way around. In this case, morality is the egg, not the chicken.

Although the brain is still a very complicated organ to us, we’re learning more and more about it every day. And the more we learn about it, the more we realize it is not all that different from a really simple brain of a really simple animal, or a really complicated computer created by a really complicated human.

“Human Brain Region Functions Like a Digital Computer” http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2006/10/061005222628.htm

"The ragworm’s brain, which evolved some 600 million years ago, is so similar to the cortex that humans and worms must share a common ancestor.” http://discovermagazine.com/2011/jan-feb/12

A Master Manipulator

We’re also learning about how the brain constantly manipulates our reality.

Check out this experiment about how we view colors:

“Those early experiments showed that everyone we tested has the same color experience despite this really profound difference in the front-end of their visual system,” says Hofer. “That points to some kind of normalization or auto-calibration mechanism—some kind of circuit in the brain that balances the colors for you no matter what the hardware is.” In a related experiment, Williams and a postdoctoral fellow Yasuki Yamauchi, working with other collaborators from the Medical College of Wisconsin, gave several people colored contacts to wear for four hours a day. While wearing the contacts, people tended to eventually feel as if they were not wearing the contacts, just as people who wear colored sunglasses tend to see colors "correctly" after a few minutes with the sunglasses. The volunteers' normal color vision, however, began to shift after several weeks of contact use. Even when not wearing the contacts, they all began to select a pure yellow that was a different wavelength than they had before wearing the contacts. “Over time, we were able to shift their natural perception of yellow in one direction, and then the other,” says Williams. “This is direct evidence for an internal, automatic calibrator of color perception. These experiments show that color is defined by our experience in the world, and since we all share the same world, we arrive at the same definition of colors.” http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2005/10/051026082313.htm

The colors you see around you, though they may be the same ones your human peers see, are still a product of your brain. They are independent of reality; your brain manipulates what your eyes see, and changes it to suit your surroundings and experiences.
You can’t and do not see reality for what it is. This is by nature’s design.

And more…

“There is actually a blind spot on your eye that does not see anything. An optic nerve gets in the way, effectively blocking your vision. Our eyes can't see anything in this blind spot, but our brain makes up what should be there. This is why we don't notice the blind spot.” http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/188440/the_blind_spot_does_our_brain_see_things.html?cat=5

“Brain Filters Out Noise for Selective Hearing.” http://www.medindia.net/news/Brain-Filters-Out-Noise-for-Selective-Hearing-66444-1.htm

And morality can get distorted, too…

“Magnets can change your moral values.” http://discovermagazine.com/2011/jan-feb/80

Why’d You Have To Go And Make Things So Complicated?

To understand how the human brain – and thus, morality – has evolved, you first have to understand evolution. I totally agree that there are missing gaps in our theory of evolution, just as there are for gravity, and that new evidence could totally transform our thinking. But so far, it’s our best guess. And we can actually make it happen in labs, time and time again…. Just look at your artificially selected best friend, the dog!

“Singing mouse made with genetic modification.” http://news.discovery.com/animals/mouse-tweets-genetic-modification-101221.html

“A study in evolution: foxes turned into man’s best friend.” http://www.independent.co.uk/news/science/a-study-in-evolution-foxes-turned-into-mans-best-friend-482442.html

“Studying the new sequence of the canine genome shows how tiny genetic changes can create enormous variation within a single species.” http://www.americanscientist.org/issues/feature/2007/5/genetics-and-the-shape-of-dogs

In a nutshell, evolution goes like this…

DNA does indeed get mutated. This is a fact, not an opinion. Whether it’s weird mistakes by nature, weird effects the of the environment (chemicals, pollution, etc), all of the above, or something else that is causing this to happen…is a moot point. It happens, whether we understand why or not.
When a genetic mutation is beneficial to reproduction (in other words, an animal is able to survive better, and thus have offspring), that genetic mutation gets passed on. This is not a theory. Breeders really do handpick dogs to breed based on traits they prefer, and sometimes they’ll keep breeding waiting on unique, new traits to evolve…
Mutations keep happening, over and over. For millions and millions of years.

And humans are still evolving.

“Human genes involved in metabolism, skin pigmentation, brain function and reproduction have evolved in response to recent environmental changes, according to a new study of natural selection in the human genome.” http://www.newscientist.com/article/dn8812-many-human-genes-evolved-recently.html

“Humans Have Evolved Specialized Skills of Social Cognition: The Cultural Intelligence Hypothesis” http://www.sciencemag.org/content/317/5843/1360.full

“Evolution never stops… Today a teenager’s brain processes more information in an hour than our forefathers did in their entire lifetime.” http://addingup.org/2009/05/19/human-brain-still-evolving/

A new study has found that duplicated and deleted pieces of DNA in a number of different genes play a role in the development of autism, said study co-author Rita M. Cantor, a professor of genetics and psychiatry at the David Geffen School of Medicine at UCLA. http://abcnews.go.com/Health/Autism/autisms-genetic-light-study/story?id=10867596

“Do you like to do good things for other people? If so, your genes might be responsible for this. At least, the results of a study conducted by researchers of the University of Bonn suggest this. According to the study, a minute change in a particular gene is associated with a significantly higher willingness to donate. People with this change gave twice as much money on average to a charitable cause as did other study subjects.” http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/11/101108072309.htm

Mind Control

Now that we’ve established that human evolution happened and is still happening, it’s a little strange to isolate the brain – arguably our very best adaptation, most highly evolved organ – as somehow independent of this whole process of life that every other species is still tied to. How does that even make sense to do?

So, there are two things now that we need to look at: your sense of Self, and your sense of Morality. You say that due to your self awareness, you are in control of things. And also, you say that Morality is this objective, universal thing.

Well, both Self and Morality are products of your brain, and of course just like your brain, they have evolved over time. Just like the brain creates colors for us, it also creates our sense of Self, Morality, all that jazz…

“This study shows that the brain distinguishes the self from the non-self by comparing information from the different senses. In a way you could argue that the bodily self is an illusion being constructed in the brain. Disorders such as schizophrenia and stroke often involve impaired self-perception where, for example, a woman might try to throw her left leg out of bed every morning because she believes the leg belongs to someone else.” http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/3856051.stm

“The ability to recognize oneself in a mirror is an exceedingly rare capacity in the animal kingdom. To date, only humans and great apes have shown convincing evidence of mirror self-recognition. Two dolphins were exposed to reflective surfaces, and both demonstrated responses consistent with the use of the mirror to investigate marked parts of the body. This ability to use a mirror to inspect parts of the body is a striking example of evolutionary convergence with great apes and humans.” http://www.pnas.org/content/98/10/5937.long

Science Is Subjective

The more we learn, the more we see science as a tool...hardly some Be All and End All.

"Do Physical Laws Vary from Place to Place?" http://discovermagazine.com/2011/jan-feb/46

So, yes, I totally agree that there is science to Self and Morality, and so in that sense, you really can talk about it objectively and all humans can come to the same agreement, for the most part. But it’s still subjective.

Self and Morality did not even exist in early human history (or before humans were humans). And it may not exist in the future. It’s something that was created by one species on one planet in one short span of time – for purposes of survival, and that’s about as universal as it gets. And you know what? We can even compare our sense of Self and Morality, however novel they seem, to other animals.

“Elephants mourn their dead.” http://animal.discovery.com/news/briefs/20051031/elephant.html

“Scientist finds the beginnings of morality in primate behavior.” http://www.nytimes.com/2007/03/20/science/20moral.html

CONCLUSION!

Morality is an environmental adaption of one highly intelligent species on one planet that's only been around for a short while. And just like any other environmental adaptation, or species, it can malfunction, and it can go away or change in the blink of the cosmos' eye. Just because morality hasn't run out of its evolutionary purpose yet, doesn't mean it won't and can't evolve to new circumstances, or peter out entirely. Two very logical people can disagree about abortion. You can follow logic that says it's right or wrong. The older the moral puzzle, however, the more evolved and flawless our idea of it is...and that's not a coincidence.

That's why...morality is subjective.

Time: Plenty to Go Around

2010-06-11T05:46:00.000-07:00

You don’t want to be here forever. Trust me.

Death is a fabulous thing. And not just for morale (gotta free up those resources for the folks who follow!), but because you weren’t made to be here forever. Sort of like a Kia. You’d probably get bored and figure out a way to make your hair look sexy without washing it, like Edward Cullen…and then what are you gonna do when someone nukes everything to hell? Or everyone around you devolves into fat, lazy, stupid fucks, while you remain wise and walking upright? Not to mention, all the guilt and emotional baggage you’d collect over the ages…eeks!

Nature prefers “do overs,” plopping new more adept creatures onto the planet, giving us all constant second chances and fresh starts, over one big life experience that would, by lack of design, fail.

We’ve Got Death All Wrong

That familiar, screenplay-worthy quest for immortality is pretty jacked up if you ask me. Time is your friend – not your enemy – and the universe has only given us a few reasons to believe it’s running out of the stuff.

Death is not Mother Nature’s punishment either, but something we need: if anything, the aging process weans us off the pleasures of this planet, so we're ready to go when our time comes. It’s almost like humans took a vote about what average life span made sense, and just all agreed to follow suit. Evolution is cool is like that.

Only with huge delusions of self importance, can we get terribly bummed out about the whole “death and dying” thing (as a concept, that is, not a personal experience).

Monkeys vs. Trees

You are a product of time, and couldn’t exist without it. You are even differentiated from other species by time. Case in point: if time sped up in front of your eyes and you got to see plants and trees live, grow, fight for survival, and die just like the rest of us (see: LIFE), you may not feel so good about making a salad out of them. That’s because they’re movers and shakers, just like you. They’re just moving and shaking at a much, much, much slower rate. On that same token, stuff can also happen so fast – like a bee’s flight or the speed of light – that we don’t see it.

Say a monkey scales a tree. When this happens, two distinct paces of life are at play: the tree grows and interacts with its environment so slowly that, for all practical purposes, it’s a comfy and safe piece of furniture, and the monkey, super animated by comparison, makes the most of it with his quick maneuvers.

We see these bonds in the human world, too. Time has given your boss an edge, but eventually you might hire your own staff, and get that edge back.

Go too fast or too slow, though, and you disappear.

Getting the Edge

Time has a greater impact on you than Mom’s advice, giving birth, making lots of money, or any other ‘event,’ because Time is every event rolled up into one. While we can’t control what part of the time line we’re on (well, so far), we can control the actual parts.

Once you realize this - that everything, I mean everything you see, do, dream, think, desire, or feel has repercussions - you can take advantage of your brain, your ability to predict and plan. We experience time as a linear thing, but we might as well lump everything that happens into one mind-boggling pile of Time. So, even your personal thoughts or decisions from the past turn out to be relevant, whether you remember them or not. If you’re a “good” person today and a “bad” person tomorrow, there will be effects from all your behaviors and decisions, both the good and the bad. That’s because you’re both good and bad, just at different times. The newer version of you isn’t a truer version, is it?

After all, is a marriage that ended after 20 years all that unsuccessful when compared to a happy, new marriage that hasn’t stood Time’s test yet? Everything counts. As the Gores have remind us!

We Were Here Pre-Twitter

Our time, while sufficient, is still limited. I can't get too passionate about things that didn’t even exist a few years ago. The way I see it is I’ve got all this wonderful time sitting in my lap (and what a 21st century bubble of leisure and luxury I’ve lucked out with), and I can be a smart human and take advantage of it…or…I can try to go as fast as everyone else.

And disappear.

You have DNA that goes back millions of years – listen to it! You have access to the history of the planet and the universe, which goes back even longer than that – read about it!

Stop overestimating the advice that someone on Twitter gave you. If you don’t have enough time to do things, maybe it’s because the things you're doing aren’t worth doing. Like spending all your time, borrowed from humans who have come before and pioneered the way for you, on a fad that will maybe last a year. Something so disconnected from your ultimate journey as a human being is not going to fulfill you. (And for the record, I don't think tweeting itself is a waste of time, at all, just like blogging and talking isn't. But what are you tweeting about, and why? If you don't have a great response to "why," maybe just stop.)

Everything you do counts, everything you do matters…whether you’re in denial about this or not. So, take your time with Time. Because it's the closest thing you'll get to an all-powerful trial and jury type God.

All’s Well

I’m not sure all is well that end’s well (if there really is an “end,” anyhow).

Maybe I’m still sitting in the backseat of the family mini van, dad driving, mom singing, Tim sleeping, and Mis and I bickering in between card games, headed to MeMaw and PawPaw’s. Maybe Ben and I are toasting to our 20th year of marriage. Maybe I'm crying because I didn't make it into Show Choir junior year of high school.

Even when humanity’s time finally runs out, though, I trust that nature will have made its selections wisely. And you should trust nature, too. Like you'd really know better.

Why You Care About Politics

2009-09-02T13:49:00.000-07:00

I changed from an ignorant little conservative caterpillar into a know-it-all butterfly in college. Freshman year was when I first started to care about politics.

Like.

Really.

Fucking.

Care.

I’d fight tooth and nail to defend my uber-leftist views on everything from the president to where you – yes, you specifically – should shop. If you can believe it, I convinced all my roommates to boycott Wal-Mart for a good year or so. Or maybe they just steered clear of the retail giant because they knew I’d give them serious shit for it.

I was so happy with myself when I talked my dad into a corner about the environment (I got him all stirred up about global warming). He beat me in every other debate because he was super smart, and had so much history rolling around in his head. I wish he could read this blog today, just to say “I told you so.”

When it comes to politics, I’ve been there. I’ve done that. I’m over it.

The tragic truth of the matter is none of us know what’s happening on Capitol Hill. Think that’s a huge stretch to say? Well, just take a look around. We’ll go from a small to big scale. If you work for a big company, ask yourself – do you know what goes on behind the scenes? In secret C-team meetings, gossipy Skype conversations between co-workers, and that dark hallway at the holiday party last year? No, you don’t. You’ll make up explanations for stuff, sure. Maybe half of your assumptions will be true, while the other half will be, well, half-true.

This is the case, at least, at the company I work for – and we employ less than 500 people. I realize our government’s not a capitalistic entity; well, it’s not supposed to be, but we’ll leave that for later (or better yet, never). But I feel like it's the closest-to-home analogy I can come up with at the moment.

Alas, I don’t think many people would disagree with the following: the government is massively more complicated than the company I work for; it has far deeper consequences to its actions; and it has way more powerful, rich people (with various special interests – their own, and those of their constituents/corporate lobbyists) at the reigns.

If you’ve ever known a friend, family member, or co-worker to cover up something naughty they’ve done, then you can reasonably assume your leaders have done the same thing…but with more money, and likely with more support from – you guessed it – powerful, rich people.

Take a time out to dwell on all the conspiracy theories that are floating around on the web, past and present; this process may give you the heebie jeebies. There are 34,700,000 pages that turn up on Google when you type in conspiracy. How many of these “theories” are just plain untrue? How many of them are half-true? And finally, how many of them are just distractions from the bigger, more scandalous picture? Starting to feel confused…a little overwhelmed? You should!

If you think about what a politician does these days, you could compare them to a sales person or marketer. It’s an inherently disingenuous and manipulative gig. Even if you’re the sincerest, most compassionate and principled person on planet earth, you’re gonna have to fib a lot (not a little) to get elected. That’s because you’ve got to get elected. Catch 22 much? If you shared your honest opinions or intentions about everything, you’d piss too many people off. Fact: there are a lot of people in America. About 300 million. That’s 300 million ways to destroy your political career. (Local politicians have the best chance at staying clean from corruption, don't they?)

As you try to wrap your head around all the different political players, you’ll get a tiny glimpse into the chain of communication and actions required to get anything done in this country. It's fucking intricate.

Should we form opinions about the world that we live in? Should we vote for the president? Should we vote on laws? Should you be outraged by injustice, war, and all the other evils of the world (necessary and unnecessary)? Should we give a damn?

Well, of course.

But maybe we should all step back and realize that politics isn’t black and white. It isn’t conservative and liberal. And at this rate, it’s just going to get even more perplexing as our country’s population and problems increase.

We pretend like we know what’s going on because it makes us feel better, gives us the illusion that we (the American populous) is in control.

Someone spouting off about how bad Bush is, isn’t all that different than someone preaching about heaven and hell to a non-religious type. Do I think Bush is a bad guy? Probably. But do I claim to really know what went on when he was in office? Hell no! I should never be so arrogant. My hunch is presidents are just the likable fall guys, and they have very little to do with anything. Again, though, I don’t have a clue. And I’m okay with that.

Are you okay with that?

Dear People Who Go To Spiderhouse,

2009-04-04T15:29:00.000-07:00

Hey you, yeah you, the guy sipping a latte, one skinny jean clad leg crossed over the other because, you know, you're way cool with your sexuality. Maybe too cool. You probably spent 45 minutes posing in front of the mirror, trying to determine a way to cleverly clash different clothing materials and colors. It seems that with such an oddball collection of choices for your outfit - you're wearing a beret and a shirt from Hot Topic - you'd end up with something original, even inspired. But there's another guy just a pebble's throw from you who's wearing the exact same thing, except his shirt has an obscure movie quote on it.

Your hand's trying to sturdy the slightly lopsided patio table as you listen to a band called something mysterious like "Painted Ghost" or ironic like "Blue Scooped V-Neck T-Shirt." They suck. But you don't realize this. One of the guitar players is a friend of a girl you knew in high school, so you're naturally one of the band's groupies. It wasn't much to ask of you, though, to show up here and and whistle and clap at the end of every sucky song. You think the band's awesome. You think every unsigned band that's ever played in Austin is awesome. You might have an opinion about Britney Spears or Metallica, but god forbid you say anything critical about someone who's not famous, even though the very fact that no record label gives two shits about them should probably say something. You give a shit, maybe even five shits, though. You've never played guitar before (unless Rock Band counts), so as far as you know, your mutual guitar playing friend is destined for greatness.

Meanwhile, your girlfriend - the one wearing the gypsy skirt with shoes and shirt that totally don't match - is silently wondering if you're gay, because you stole her eyeliner and she can tell that you're wearing some of it (but oh so subtly). If only you were gay. But no, you're just... shutter... hip. Pay attention, though - your girlfriend is being checked out by approximately 10 guys who came to Spiderhouse completely alone; they're just waiting for an opportunity to express their opinion on politics or philosophy to a random female passerby.

While you're listening to "Sharp Pocket" or "Lightning Puppy" or whatever the fuck the crappy band's name is, a girl who spent just as much time thinking about her outfit as you, is sitting inside the cafe, studying for a massively important world history exam she has to take the next day. It would probably make more sense to stay at her dorm room or apartment to do this, or go to Starbucks or the library, which doesn't have live bands and drunk people, but then her carefully chosen get-up - the blue tights, Skechers tennis shoes, summer dress she had to wear to a wedding once, and silk scarf - wouldn't be seen by anyone who would appreciate it. Very soon, one of the 10 loner dudes will approach her and ask her what she's studying about. They'll have an hour-long conversation about World War II that's actually less interesing and insightful than a discussion on "Hannity and Colmes."

I'm doing this instead of cleaning.

2009-03-15T10:57:00.000-07:00

Keeping up with a blog is not easy. Especially when you can tweet a mere 140 characters at a time instead. I am over Facebook status updates, too. If you're not tweeting, I have no clue what's going on in your life. Too bad then that most tweeters lack a life. And trust me, I know... they tweet about it.

Anyways, I have to clean. And I don't want to. So, I'm blogging.

Life has been super super busy. I might be a masochist because I just picked up another writing gig on top of my normal 40+hr a week job and TBF; we'll see how that goes. OH, and did I mention I'm now a part-time wedding planner? I tell you, I never thought about my wedding day until Ben proposed, and, well, I completely underestimated all that goes into the planning/funding. It's fun, but it's added to the plate. All those years, I was oblivious to wedding magazines, TV shows, and whatnot, and now, it's like... it might have paid off to pay attention! So glad my mom lives in town. Biggest decisions are gradually being knocked out of the way, though, so it's coming along. (Venue, date, dress, guest list... check!)

Conan is currently chewing on Montey's head and Guy is pawing at my shoulder. And everyone else in the world is at SXSW. I always conclude that it's not worth the time and effort to cover the fest (because Lord knows I'm not paying to go), but whenever it comes around, I can't help but miss it a little. Maybe next year? Eh, that's what I always say.

Now Conan's chewing on... something or the other. Did you guys see that episode of "Jon and Kate Plus 8" where the dog eats the little toy pony and has to go to the vet? Hehe. Well, I guess that story's only funny because the dog lives... I'm not worried about Conan, though. He can eat anything and be okay. Seriously. White-out, thumbtacks, paper clips, highlighters, Guy...

Most overused words/phrases/cliches in travel writing

2009-02-25T18:32:00.000-08:00

We've all committed these travel writing crimes, (I, on a daily basis), but that doesn't make them justified.

1. Nestled
Just because a town or city is located in the mountains, doesn't mean you have to say it's "nestled" in them. In what real-life situation would you ever use this word?

2. Hustle and Bustle
Let me guess... you want to escape from it?

3. "Whether x or y" and "from x to y"
These phrases are so overdone and so poorly done. They're hard to resist, but try not to use them more than once per article/essay, and when you do use them, use them effectively.

4. Attraction/Tourist Spot
Say what it is, not what type of thing it is. If you're writing about a museum in a travel article, the museum is obviously a notable attraction... so, why bother saying it's a notable attraction? I mean, duh!

5. Must-see

6. Mecca/Hub

7. Fancy Adjectives
Instead of describing, just give concrete examples/details. It's better for the reader, and it's better writing.

8. There's/There are
Don't begin sentences with these words !!!! Like, ever ! (Okay, I know it's hard to avoid, but for god's sake, try.)

9. Best-kept secret

10. Passive verbs
When in doubt, go with action verbs!

Hint: take a cliched phrase or overused word and add your own twist to it.

Also, whenever you're questioning your writing, just make sure you're ultimately telling a good story. That's more important than perfect grammar or impressive vocabulary. Well, that's the whole point. Communication.

Valentines Day FAIL

2009-02-14T11:52:00.000-08:00

Are you a sucky Valentine? Well, these guys are.

Chris Brown
What did she do to deserve that? Was she chewing Trident instead of Doublemint?

Adam Senn from "The City"
Hey, cheating is better than beating, so I'll give you that.

Lil Wayne
If you weren't a rap star, you'd be that guy in the club creeping out all the girls until eventually, at 2 am when the bars are closing, you nab the drunkest one, bring her home, and date rape her. Tip for all the guys out there: Don't tell a girl to call you so you can make it juicy for her. Because that's just gross. (Unless you're making a smoothie.) TMI, Lil Wayne! T M I !

The Guys on "The Real World"
I think these pictures say more than I could ever say. And I think if these pictures could speak, they'd say something like... "WE'RE GIANT DOUCHEBAGS!"

Spencer Pratt
You know you're a Valentines Day failure when... your attempts at romance end up on "The Soup." It also doesn't help if your object of desire has a nose job, a boob job, but no actual job.

Brad Pitt
SHAVE THE MUSTACHE. Inglourious Basterds is in post-production. And it is not the 70s. And you are not a child molester. Heaven forbid you are a child molester. If you are, tell Angelina to stop adopting, now!

Nick Jonas
Apparently, your Hollywood's latest heartbreaker. First, Miley Cyrus, and now, Selena Gomez. Just remember, your days of chasing Disney Channel tail will be over someday. Your curly locks may not always be around, either. You're totally gonna be Kirk Cameron in 10 years! I can see it now, "Left Behind: the Jonas Brother."

John Mayer
What can I say... I bet you write love songs and stuff, and I suppose that's romantic... but I think what you do is write loves songs for yourself and then you edit them for your current girlfriend. It was probably embarrassing that time when you accidentally sang "my body is a wonderland." (SORRY RAJ!)

Pete Wentz
Hey, one of the douches from "the Real World" is your #1 fan, so that says a lot right there. I think you're partially responsible for the emo fad lasting as long as it has! Guys - the trick is to take your girlfriend shopping... not shop like you're your girlfriend.

In conclusion, I feel sorry for your unlucky-in-love valentines.

And finally... to less interesting, personal stuff -- I'm trying to get back to blogging! Can you believe it? I'm not getting paid to write this! Oh, and yes... I'm engaged. So, this is pretty much the best Valentines Day ever!

Delete!

2009-02-01T13:38:00.001-08:00

So, my YouTube vid was getting too many views (almost 85,000)... I deleted it.

Now, if only I could delete Anne Coulter.

I Heart New York

2009-01-25T11:36:00.001-08:00

Every couple of years, I get city sick... I have this craving to do the typical tourist thing in the Big Apple; y'know, wander around Time Square, see a Broadway show, buy a fake designer purse... I used to think I could live there and who knows, maybe I will some day.

Anyhow, that craving's hitting me today. Hard.

I like that New Yorkers walk really fast, don't go out of their way to be nice to you, and think they're important. I like that anything can happen at any moment, and you're just as likely to see a celebrity as you are a hobo.

I'd probably change my tune if I was mugged on a subway, but until then, I'll idealize it. Just like Woody Allen.

My revulsion of small, rural towns began when I was tiny. Growing up, my siblings and I had a blast playing in the woods at my grandparents' house, downing all of my grandmother's home-cooked food, and discovering the latest batch of kittens or puppies, but every time we went to East Texas, we went back in time. I knew this.

My best guess is Corrigan hasn't changed much since WWII. And neither have the people. The local kids are rough, tough, and ignorant, and their parents are racist (in a laughable way)... I've seen a few kids kick around their dogs, for fun, but I never judged... clearly they'd been kicked around, too.

Rednecks arent solely a Southern thing, but it sure felt that way when I was young. It's amazing how four hours in the car can transport you from hippie, happy-go-lucky Austin to boring, bumpkin-filled Corrigan.

Still, some of my fondest childhood memories come right out of Corrigan.

I learned early on that a good education and not-so-backwards parents are all that distinguishes me from most rednecks in the world. I'm not "better than." I was just born in Austin. They weren't. They don't need to know everything about film, history, or music, to get on with their day and make a life for themselves... that's true for most of us. Difference is, they're OK with that.

I learned to love countryside culture and appreciate it for its down-to-earth and practical qualities. You've gotta take the good with the bad.

Case in point: The other day, Ben and I were eating at Panera and we overheard a dad and his three kids talking about a new house they're moving into. I heard these sentences come from kids who couldn't have been older than 10:

"What practical use do you have of that bathroom?" "I like to take long showers."
-"(something about Abraham Lincoln) But that's like racism of kids!" (Referring to splitting up bedrooms based on age.)

Their voices were very proper sounding, almost as if they had an accent. They were obviously overeducated, overpampered Westlake kids. It made me want to vomit. So grown-up. So soft. What kids like to take long showers? I never wanted to take a bath. I had much better things to do with my time, like playing on the monkey bars, or riding my bike, or catching an episode of "Ren & Stimpy" behind my mom's back.

But when it comes down to it... I can only leave civilization and the internet for a weekend, tops. I have a mini Carrie Bradshaw in me and I think she's staying there for good.

Adventures at Circuit City

2009-01-18T09:05:00.000-08:00

1. Circuit City commences liquidation sale
2. Drive to Circuit City and spend approximately 2.5 hours searching for a parking spot
3. Walk into crowded Circuit City
4. Help neighbors find a TV
5. Feel disappointment that blu-ray DVDs are only 10% off
5. Find varieties of candy on an aisle end cap
6. Pick out chewy lemon heads
7. Open up candy and share with Ben and neighbors
8. Candy is sour! Eeks!
9. Feel like crap from eating candy
10. Find massage chair and take turns testing it with neighbor
11. It's decided that if we had a game room for ugly furniture, a massage chair would be a good investment
12. Boys make dirty jokes
13. Finish candy (community effort)
14. Notice that check-out line is long, Black Friday flashbacks
15. Put empty candy box on end table next to massage chair (end table is 30% off)
16. Leave

Did you know?

2009-01-14T10:37:00.000-08:00

My elbows are double-jointed. Sometimes when I'm leaning on them, they look all funky and freak people out. I'm not doing it on purpose! One time, my right elbow popped out of its socket.

I used to dream about starring on Broadway.

I went to Baptist-filled Baylor for two whole years! And I lived to tell about it!

Before Ben, my longest "relationship" lasted 2 months. Ben had a nickname for me when we first started dating... 2mv, for 2-month vomit. (I got really drunk and threw up in his car on our first date.) We've been together for a year and a half now.

Hair makes me gag. (When it's not properly attached to a person, that is.)

I had jaw surgery in college. I couldn't talk or eat solid foods for several weeks afterward. It took a year to fully recover!

I wrote one of the very first film reviews of Uwe Boll's awful Bloodrayne. Then I got called a lesbian by Boll's fans. For some reason the movie premiered at Austin Film Festival.

I saw Nsync for free at a radio thing before they got famous. I was hooked! I later saw them at the Frank Erwin Center with Mallory and my mom. At one point, the crowd rushed to the stage and we hung back. Because we were so isolated, only surrounded by chairs, Justin looked right at me for a good while. I swear!!! :)

I am directionally challenged/retarded.

I don't cook. (Ben does.)

I love excel. I'm a big dork.

I furnished my last apartment almost entirely through Craigslist.

I used to drink 1 to 2 pots a coffee a day.

I think Requiem for a Dream is overrated. I think the Fountain is underrated. I guess that means I think Darren Aronofsky is just "okay."

I'm sitting next to a really creepy man at Starbucks at the moment... he keeps looking at me and laughing at his newspaper so that perhaps I'll be like "what's so funny?" and we can then have a conversation.... now, he's talking to me. "If you're a woman, you're gonna love this! If a woman commits adultery in Iran, she gets buried!" I'm still looking at my lap top and ignoring him. One time I talked to a hobo in downtown Austin while waiting for a bus. I'll never do that again.

I literally cannot wait until Real World tonight. Am I more excited for that than Lost? Egh, I hope not... that would be a shame.

Even though I write for a living, I don't ever read.

I used to have a big crush on Jonathan Brandis from SeaQuest, etc. It really saddened me when he killed himself.

I made web sites back in middle school. (6th grade maybe?) I made one about the Spice Girls. I built a mailing list of Spice Girls fans... I never sent them anything though.

I did not proof this, so sorry if I spelled something wrong.

So, it wasn't the Simpsons DVD menu this time...

2009-01-10T14:32:00.001-08:00

About 3:15 am on Wednesday night/Thursday morning, Ben and I tossed, turned, and woke up together. Right before we could fall back asleep, we heard these frenzied "whooping" noises outside our window... they were foreign (and frightening) to us.

What were we listening to? Clashing ambulance sirens? Monkeys that escaped from the zoo? Some dogs? But there was no barking!

We were a little scared to say the least, but then the sounds faded and we went back to bed. The next day, the local news didn't explain the sounds and most neighbors sleep with their windows closed... so, we didn't have anyone else to back up our story.

With the help of the Internet, though, the mystery was finally solved. We have coyotes. That's comforting. Monty's not going outside anymore...

Need some stuff to read? Sure you do!
Here's a new Vacation Rentals.com destination guide, the first of many to come: Panama City Beach
Here's my first blog for theBudgetFashionista.com: Staying Pretty in an Ugly Economy
And an oldie: 5 Most Scenic Golf Courses

Happy Saturday!

It's like a real flick for chicks... not a chick flick.

2009-01-07T17:01:00.000-08:00

Liz Lemon desperately wants a baby, a "possession" she sacrificed for her ultra-successful career as something or the other (I didn't pay attention to that part). She'll only be in her thirties for three more years, so being a single woman without kids no longer has pizazz.

Oh, I'm sorry, her name's not Liz. Liz is the main character in the acclaimed and hysterical "30 Rock." The main character in Baby Mama is named Kate. It's confusing! Both Kate and Liz have identical personalities/predicaments and both are played by Tina Fey... the only thing that distinguishes them are their job titles and, well, Liz's costars are funnier.

Incidentally, Baby Mama feels like it's written by a dumber Tina Fey; Fey executive produces "30 Rock." When the credits rolled, I was relieved to see the screenwriter was not Dumber Tina Fey, but Michael McCullers. Baby Mama would've been a weak follow-up to Mean Girls! Turns out, if Tina Fey was dumber, she'd churn out Austin Powers and a handful of SNL episodes (those are McCuller's credits).

But it's McCuller's metro or homo-sexuality, combined with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler's comedic chops, that make Baby Mama work 80% of the time. Kate's evolution from wannabe mommy to failed mommy (her uterus is T-shaped, so artificial insemination's not an option) to caretaker of her beer-drinking, cigarette-smoking, 7-11 big gulp-guzzling surrogate mother, played by Amy Poehler... is mostly entertaining and strangely relatable. The SNL alums make a great pairing.

I love that Liz Lemon is a 21st century woman who cries when she gets her period and dreams about having a family someday. I love that Kate's the same way. Why? It's real. Most women who are above the age of 25 just want to be good at their job and find a good man, not get swept off their feet by a man who's aging backward or fight with Kate Hudson over whose wedding is better.

And the story's kinda unique to my generation, too.

Because of these small grains of truth, (note: I said small), I assume Baby Mama's writer/director McCullers is a gay man or a straight man who appears gay. Or maybe he's the trans gender on "The Real World Brooklyn," which premiers tonight! (OMG, I CAN'T WAIT!!!)

I could've done without the over-the-top sitcom storyline that guides the entire narrative. Amy Poehler's character Angie is the opposite of the sophisticated and occasionally anal-retentive Kate, and since the two are having a baby together, they must reconcile their differences. Ha ha, how hilarious, trailer trash meets business woman! I wonder what crazy antics will happen next!

I could also do without the Steve Martin cameo (it was funny at times but mostly ridiculous) and Dax Shepard, who unfortunately contributed much more than a cameo... why not replace him with Tracey Morgan? Or anyone else who's less annoying and more hilarious? Shepard plays Poehler's loser boyfriend and while he had some great lines, he delivered them so stereotypically that they lost any and all potential for laughs.

The soundtrack didn't fit either -- what are all these sickeningly safe pop songs crowding the scenes for? I tried to look up the soundtrack on Amazon so I could investigate it further but came up with nothing. That's probably a good thing.

At this point, you probably think I hate Baby Mama. But so much of it is written with wit and humor, and Fey and Poehler make the bizarre situation their characters are flung into amusing and believable. I couldn't help but like it... kinda. I rooted for Liz, er, Kate from the get-go, and I was laughing all the way -- ho, ho, ho. I still have Christmas tunes stuck in my head... shoot me! Oh, and Sigourney Weaver's in it. Who's not a believer in the Weaver? She's awesome.

But maybe I'm just being too generous. This is my second glass of wine.

I'll be doing a little fashion blogging for TheBudgetFashionista.com starting this week and it won't be too time consuming, especially for the first few months, but if I don't post here as often, that's why. Don't take it personal!!!

;)

I think you are a fat slob

2008-12-30T08:17:00.000-08:00

So, my Anne Coulter vlog is now at 44,829 views. The comments have doubled since my last post.

Here are some highlights...

goldmaker thinks trannies are HOT everyone!!
goldmaker and trannies sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g! First comes love, then comes marriage (in 2090, maybe), then comes baby and an Oprah special. I have no idea who goldmaker is, but whatever floats his/her boat!

laurjane, I think you are a fat slob.
If only every insult was as colorful... I feel like I'm in a Jane Austen novel and should make a witty comeback!

caroline kennedy looks like ann coulter and is just as annoying.
Yeah, you know, that's an interesting point. You know, there are annoying republicans and democrats, you know.

know how to make you shut up....... put a **** in your mouth! mediamatters is a JOKE all you do is try and sensor FREE SPEECH! read the constitution you ****** assholes the 1 st ammendment doesn't just apply to you ****** liberals!
Well, that's true for now. But not for long... we're about to pass amendment 28, which states "the constitution only applies to whole people. Republicans are three-fifths of a person, so the constitution does not apply to Republicans."

then i think we can both agree that the use of one is stupid, i don't advocate the usage of one, no matter who is using it.
I strongly disagree that we both agree that the use of one (or more) is stupid... I advocate the usage of one, no matter who is using it or what it's used for.

do u realize that what u are doing is trying to suppress Ann Coulter's free speech? This is really an un-American and closed-minded thing to do. Everyone's opinion deserves to be heard, even if u don't like it.
Do you realize you are misinterpreting me? That's okay, though, because you didn't call me a bad word!

Your strategy is not constitutional.
Freedom of speech is the foundation of this revoltionary republic. I do suggest you go & read up on the federal Reserve(The Creature from Jekell Island is a good start) You also need to read up on American history on the fight between the Republicans and the Federalists (Jefferson vs Hamilton) You have no clue as to what you are even talking about The problem in America is the illegal Federal Reserve bank and fiat banking read up on history
Wow, here I was talking about Anne when all along, the Federal Reserve was the problem. How much time I've wasted! And how I've distracted people from the most important issue!!! You're right, by the way, writing to a newspaper with your opinion is very unconstitutional.

wow, she said fag. big deal. i hear that word 18 times a day by 10 different people of different races, and sexes. You people need to stop being so sensitive. Political correctness is destroying our country/the world. If this wasn't so "Oh MY GOSH did you hear her?" Then noboty would care about Ann Coulter and she'd fade away. You give her, her power.
18 times?!? (And how many different sexes?)

doggystyle!
I think you meant to type that into the search bar...

Lesbians are fagots also (female fagots). The Torah (Jewish Scriptures)is the best tool on earth to expose the queer-community for what it is: An abomination to Hashem. Liberal Jews are the ones Hashem led into Babylonian bondage for all their liberal abominations against Him. It would do Jews well not to support (accept/tolerate) sodomites.
What if you're a lesbian that got a sex change operation... would you be a female fagot, or just a plain fagot? Sorry, I just need to know who the sodomites are so I can know whether or not to tolerate them. It's so confusing!

i love you
Thanks.

The tissue responsible for the Adam's apple exist in males and females, but is more prominent in males, usually. Obviously, there are exceptions. I have no doubt she is actually a female.
Apparently the political debate is just as engaging as whether or not Anne is female or male!

I will agree with some of what you say here. I don't believe we should be in other countries meddling in their business. We should respect their sovereignty, and they should respect ours. However, real Christians aren't stealing lands from anyone, or killing any innocents, or lying. Someone claiming to be a Christian is no indication that they actually are one, and if there actions aren't in accord with what the Christian bible says, their claim should be in doubt.
No idea what this was in response to... probably someone said "CHRISTIANS ARE AN INNOCENT KILLING, LAND STEALING EMPIRE!"

By the way, I used Google image search to find a photo for this blog... I typed in "hateful comment." A picture of Anne Coulter came up on the first page! Creepy Google.

Top 10 Movie Soundtracks

2008-12-26T21:10:00.000-08:00

In order of appearance (appearance in my mind while brainstorming this topic, that is)...

1. Trainspotting
Lou Reed, David Bowie, Brian Eno... no need for a typical film score in Danny Boyle's breakout film. An eclectic mix of British pop songs help Ewan McGregor narrate a gritty, yet colorful tale of Scottish heroin addicts.

2. The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou
Mark Mothersbaugh (Wes Anderson's go-to composer), Brazilian songwriter Seu Jorge, composer Sven Libaek, and a handful of pop/rock artists combine forces for this quaint and quirky soundtrack. Jorge's acoustic, Portuguese David Bowie covers are a highlight! (And also a mouthful.)

3. The Nightmare Before Christmas
Danny Elfman + Tim Burton = Magic! While many people love Nightmare Before Christmas, few are quick to call it a masterpiece. But the stop-motion story of Jack the Pumpkin King is a lot more grown-up than meets the eye... or ear? Maybe Elfman's enchanting music is to blame for Nightmare's "safe" reputation!

4. Amelie
There are just a few musical themes in this French classic, but Yann Tierson makes the very best of them with a piano, accordion, and some strings. His winsome melodies playfully float through Amelie, and as you listen to them, you'll reflect on a childhood spent in Paris (even if you've never been there).

5. American Beauty
Thomas Newman's score to the 1999 dark comedy, which sent shock waves through American suburbia and nabbed 5 Oscars, is one of the very best out there. American Beauty without Newman's subtly beautiful piano motifs is like the Dark Knight without Heath Ledger; it just doesn't work!

6. Moulin Rouge!
It's David Bowie AGAIN! Also, Nicole Kidman, Ewan McGregor, Rufus Wainwright, and Bono... Besides Christina Aguilera and company's grating "Lady Marmalade," the rest of the Moulin Rouge! soundtrack is romantic, kinetic, and just downright fun. If you can, hunt down the version that includes Craig Armstrong's instrumental contributions!

7. Evita
It's not very often that a movie soundtrack upstages its Broadway counterpart, but that's just what Evita does. While Phantom of the Opera was an epic misfire, Evita reminds us that it's possible to translate an Andrew Lloyd Webber musical to the big screen... well. Madonna's nuanced performance and Antonio Banderas' charm (along with their strong vocals) do justice to one of the greatest musicals of all time.

8. Beauty and the Beast
The "tale as old as time" has always stood out from the crowd of Disney animated classics and trusty Alan Menken deserves a good chunk of the credit for this. After all, his music is so good that Beauty and the Beast made it to Broadway... and stayed there for nearly 15 years!

9. Donnie Darko
From Michael Andrews' haunting, tense, and occasionally touching score to an inspired collection of retro tunes, the Donnie Darko soundtrack is a home run in more ways than one. The 2-disk set features Andrews' instrumentals as well as Tears for Fears, Echo and the Bunnymen, Duran Duran, and even Danny Elfman's old band, Oingo Boingo! Scoring a sci-fi dramedy set in the 1980s has never sounded more effortless.

10. Sweeney Todd
One more point for Tim Burton! Burton updates the Sondheim musical for a 21st century audience with imaginative visuals and masterful direction, but he didn't change much about the music! It's just as elegant and sweet (thus, ironic) as ever. Who knew Johnny Depp could carry a tune?

Honorable Mentions
In the tradition of Top 10 Lists, there was no room for talented folks like Jon Brion, John Murphy, or James Newton Howard, but their scores to Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, 28 Days Later, and Sixth Sense (respectively) are some of my favorites!

And yes... I think John Williams is overrated. ;)

mysterious music of the night...

2008-12-19T19:50:00.000-08:00

It's 1 am and I wake up to an eerie saxophone... where is it coming from?! I drift back to sleep before I can answer that question. It's 3 am -- I wake up to it again!! It's the same tune from before! Who would play a quirky jazz song over and over again, and at night? Is there some event going on? Someon's SO getting a noise complaint tomorrow.

I'm curious and creeped out at the same time. For about an hour and a half, I try to drown it out and even consider hopping in my car and tracking down the source. But I'm too tired, so I pass out again and toss and turn to the saxophone-inspired nightmares.

Maybe it's because "In Heaven" from Eraserhead has been stuck in my head all week, but I'm getting increasingly disturbed by this distant offbeat melody. I sing "In Heaven" to Ben to freak him out on occasion. But anyways, at this point I'm imagining a mutant baby hiding underneath the bed.

I need sleep. Work is going to suck tomorrow!

4 am, I have to pee. I stand up and notice "The Simpsons Season 8" DVD menu is on. I turn it off.

Peace.

Work Blog

2008-12-17T17:37:00.000-08:00

So, I'm really excited to share with all of you... the NEW Vacation Rentals.com! After a little over a year of working for this site, it's super cool to see it finally getting the makeover it deserves.

And, of course, I'm especially happy that the Travel Resources section now looks, well, professional. It'll take a while before I can adapt it to the rest of the site perfectly, so give me some time, but the improvement is clear!

Here's a few new articles with some Austin "shout outs" that you might like:
15 Great Geeky Festivals and Conventions
This one was fun to pick out pictures for, but I couldn't really use the best ones.
10 Best Water Parks in America

Anyhow, take a look around and book a vacation rental.

7 most annoying songs on the radio right now

2008-12-09T18:41:00.000-08:00

I need to get something off my chest. No, it's not that I'm a sucker for reality television -- if you've had more than 5 conversations with me, you already know this. No, it's not that I call into talk radio shows -- if you read my blog, you already know this. It's worse that that. I listen to crappy mainstream pop/hip hip/rap sometimes, courtesy of Kiss 96.7. I mean, really crappy. Like, the kind of crap that would stop up a toilet. Smelly Top 40 Shit.

Well, I now consider myself a borderline expert on crappy music, so I've done the dirty work for you... here are the 7 Most Annoying Songs on the Radio Right Now.

1. "So What" by Pink
Hey, guess what, Pink... YOU'RE the tool... and you know what I think about your rock moves? Well... I think... so what?

2. "In the Ayer" - Flo Rider
Y'all don't understand, keeps me crying 'till the AM... I guess you shouldn't expect much from a rapper who changed a perfectly good, simple word -- AIR -- into "ayer,"and for no reason at all. There's no other word that rhymes with "ayer" in the song.

3. "Right Now" - Akon
Hey, I'm sorry we broke up... but I want to have sex with you RIGHT NOW! Forgive me!

4. "Whatever You Like" - TI
You know what I'd like? For you to not talk about stacks of money for three consecutive minutes.

5. "Gotta Be Someday" - Nickelback
Or any other Nickelback song for that matter.

6. "Crush" - David Archuleta
Keep your crush to yourself David Archuleta, because I'm sure it's not mutual!

7. "Unbeautiful" - Lesley Roy
Your song is UNGOOD.

wrds i alwys hav trble spllig

2008-12-08T18:37:00.000-08:00

rendezvous

entrepreneur

nauseous

occurrence

calendar

knowledgeable

vicious

complement/compliment

precede/proceed

Doesn't matter how many times I use these words... I can never spell them right the first time!!!

Jane Says on the radio

2008-12-03T17:57:00.000-08:00

I listen to Jeff Ward on the long and tedious drive home on occasion and for some weird reason, I called in today. You can listen below! If you hang around for the rest of the hour, let me know if anyone commented on my comments. :)

Back story: Lady stabbed husband to death in sleep, got away with "not guilty by insanity." Jeff Ward's main beef -- if a guy had committed this murder, would he have been found guilty?

Podcast #3 for 12.3.08, 17.5 minutes in...
http://www.590klbj.com/podcast/index.aspx

The Purpose Driven Doggy Poo

2008-11-25T14:41:00.000-08:00

I haven't written a movie review in quite some time because a) I write all day for work and don't have much energy left over for such an endeavor b) I haven't seen a movie that inspired me to review it... until now!

Doggy Poo! is one of the strangest, funniest, most oddly affecting films I've seen in several decades. Well, I'm only 23, but you get what I mean. The stop-motion Korean children's movie (gracefully dubbed in English for us Americans) makes for a nifty follow-up to "Everyone Poops;" potty trained tots still fascinated with doodie will go nuts over it. It's also a must-see for any adult going through an existential funk.

At first, I just giggled uncontrollably at the (smelly) subject matter... after all, the main character is shit by a puppy in the opening scene. That's right, the main character is -- you guessed it -- a blob of shit, albeit a perfectly rounded one with rosy cheeks. And he's about to learn some important life lessons: everyone matters, including fecal matter, and everyone eventually dies. Not feeling it? Imagine if Simba's crap were to star in a claymation short called The Lion Crap. Then sprinkle in a teeny bit of communism.

Asian movies are known for their beautiful and detailed imagery, and Doggy Poo! -- which must have been painstaking to make-- is no exception. With the help of a winsome score and some adorably quirky voice-over work (a lump of soil and a wandering leaf costar), the "crappy" protagonist gradually and surprisingly begins to tug on our heart strings.

It's hard not to appreciate how unpretentious and practical a turd is after watching Doggy Poo! Who knew a movie about poo would be so cute and thought-provoking? (At worst, it's just plain weird.) But then again... why shouldn't it be? If Conan's poo was as sweet and endearing as this one, I'd gladly mix in some laxatives with his dog food.

Pet Blog

2008-11-16T08:18:00.000-08:00

Birds
Baby birds had a habit of falling out of trees and landing in our front yard at Woodview Ave. Baby Blue Jay ("BBJ" for short -- I didn't understand the dirty implications of that nickname until much later), was our bird-in-residence for the longest time. I'd flap my arms and he'd flap his wings along with me; it was a beautiful thing. But the neighborhood blue jays swarmed our house and pecked at our cat, so we had to put BBJ back where he belonged... in a modest little nest in a tree across the street. I pretended like I thought he'd be okay but I knew he was a goner. BBJ was one of the luckier ones though.

Another baby bird, later named Tweety (it was probably around the time I was really into Tweety the Looney Tune, God only knows why), had broken its neck upon falling down on our walkway. And when a very empathetic animal-loving little girl is the one who discovers such a tragic thing, well, as a father -- you can't put the bird out of its misery... instead you rescue it and keep it in a baseball glove, trying to feed it and hoping it's not as bad as it looks. Tweety died later that night, though, I remember it vividly. I cried for what felt like hours. We buried the bird in the garden out front and stuck a little stick with a sign that read "Tweety" on top of it.

I recall another time when my mom discovered a recently-deceased bird underneath my bed... I still don't quite understand why I did this.

Frog

Baby birds aren't the only ones I helped put to rest as a young girl. There was a dead frog, too, who Tim, Missy, and I opted to give a funeral. We didn't know this frog in its heydey but stumbled across its corpse on my Grandfather's field, right as it met the woods. I sat indian style across from Mis and Tim and prepared to conduct the eulogy. Tim kept interrupting me, to my frustration, and finally he convinced me to look up and behind. My grandfather's one bull (the only other farm animals he had were bitchy cows) was glaring down on us, chomping on some grass. For some reason we perceived this as a threat; the bull was an intimidating sight, mind you! So I jumped up, picked up Mis, and we ran, screaming, back to the house. I guess that frog never got a proper goodbye.

Hamster
Back at Woodview, again, I had these reading award ribbons hung up in my room. My neighbor friend Ray really wanted them, so he told me that if I gave him those ribbons, he'd buy me a hamster. So I gave him the ribbons, seemed a fair trade. And pretty soon after, he came over with a cage and a newly-bought hamster (not sure if his mom made him do this or what). Spooky and I had some good times. Except when my cousin Kris would come over. Kris had the idea of playing catch with Spook. I'm sure Spooky was a bit brain dead. He didn't meet his end in a game of catch, though... but passed away in the comfort of his cage.

Cats
Ginger was not meant to be our cat. The neighbors across the way never spayed theirs, and so she'd always have kittens. Whenever I begged for one of the these unfortunate kittens, Mom said no (she said it multiple times, because I kept asking, litter after litter). We already had a dog at the time and I was the oldest of three kids, so I don't blame her. But I told the babysiter that Mom said it was okay to get a kitty and we adopted soon-to-be-named Ginger, a pretty pathetic looking tiny tabby. My mom was shocked about the new addition to the house but it was hard not to love such a downtrodden, flea-infested, mangy kitten. The vet performed a miracle and the Kyle household now had a cat. "Ginger" ended up being a boy, though, but his girly name stuck. In his old age, his fur has turned almost white and his eyes are sunken in.

He used to have a buddy, Tiger, who came with our Round Rock house. Missy quickly developed an affection for the feisty, aloof black and grey feline. And the affection was very much mutual. The rest of us felt lucky if Tiger let us pet him, while Missy could swing hm around and flip him upside down and he'd just take it. When Tiger disappeared on Halloween, we all pretended to be as sad as Missy was.

Dogs
My sailing grandparents gave us Top Sea (a doberman pincer who mostly lived on their boat). She was a sweethearted, tender dog who was quite protective over me as a baby -- I am told. At one point, I chewed on her bone and she, on my pacifier. She was with us for a while. Missy eventually discovered her sleeping a bit too peacefully in the garage.

Top Sea was replaced by a funny-looking pup, who we called Pokie (we picked his name out of a hat, Pokie was Dad's odd choice). One day, though, he was awfully tired -- to an almost comical effect. Our babysiter knew something was up so she took him to the vet. Turns out he ate a poisonous rat and nothing could be done. My mom said he was obviously trying to protect us and I bought that story for a while, made the passing a bit easier to take.

We sheltered a stray after that (I remember him well) but I guess he was intent on getting home because he ran away. Finally, we adopted Peaches, the runt of a litter of cute and cuddly pure-bread collies. I picked out Peaches, because she didn't let any of the other puppies play together -- I figured, out of concern for their safety. Peaches prooved to be an extremely loyal dog who survived many close calls, that tended to coincide with fourth of July. The last few years she suffered from bad arthritus and didn't seem to have any energy or zest for life anymore. My mom decided it was time to say goodbye about a month ago. I knew Peaches for more than half my life!

Both Ginger and King are still there though, King -- my favorite dog growing up. He's still as happy-go-lucky as ever but he sure has gotten fat. I made sure to tell Mom this in case she hadn't noticed the weight gain -- but she had. Peaches regulated his diet and now that she's no longer there, well, he's making up for lost time I guess.

Since Ben and I are fully responsible for the lives of Montey, Conan, and Guy, I have more of a love for my pets than I ever thought I could have... last night I dreamt that Conan ate Guy and I had to pull Guy out of his throat and a few nights before that, I dreamt that Guy's guts were falling out and I had to push them back in. Yes, it really has come to that.

How do I get rid of you?

2008-11-07T17:30:00.000-08:00

Some of you may recall that I used to dabble in YouTube. I was inspired by my brother's 3,000 subscribers and thought it could be a fun outlet. Got bored of it eventually.

My "vlog" defending Paris Hilton in the whole jail sentence fiasco got over 30,000 views and I was inundated with hilariously hateful comments and messages by people who thought I was borderline retarded and probably better off dead. (Not better off dead because I was retarded, mind you, but rather -- just because.) I took that vlog down because it started to get more frustrating than funny, and now my vlog about Anne Coulter from a while back has over 25,000 views (and counting). It has 183 comments, which I discovered a only few days ago, and a good chunk of them are negative (probably about 50% good, 50% bad)... anyways, not like I read the 19 pages of comments. At least the vlog has a good rating! So, I thought for this blog, I'd share my very favorite comments. (Reminds me of that time someone called me a lesbian for not liking Bloodrayne... ah, the joys of film criticism.)

"you hate our freedom"
Says so much with so few words!

"your a sick puppy maybe you should be put away somewhere so you can play with the other sick kids you stupid freak thats somebodies little girl hope you like jail a@$#%le you will be there soon. HOPEFULLY"
This is almost true. My puppy did get sick recently!

"Ann coulter looks exactly like my aunt and that freaks me out."
That would freak me out, too!

"Read "Liberal Fascism" by Jonah Goldberg. Most of you liberals are true fascists but too dumb to realize it."
Takes a lot for a Jew to be conservative!

"What Obama tried in Missouri was pure FASCISM with his "truth squads" and threatening criminal prosecution to anyone who didn't tell the "truth" about Obama.

If you're voting for Obama, you're voting for a fascist. Let's not forget about the Hitler like "Obama Youth Brigade" and the children singing for Obama.

The liberal calls me and Coulter fascists?? LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL"
I bet LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL means Laughing Out Loud Lions On Luggage Orbit Loud Olives Like Oil Licking Oxen.... or something

"liberals are so funny...oh, and by funny, i mean stupid hahaha!"
Well, who needs to be funny when we have gifted comedians like you around?

"So because her opinions are completely offensive to you, and not "semi-offensive", she should be gotten rid of? wow, you have a very weak understanding of the concept of freedom of speech. I, for one, will NOT be clicking that link to the right of the page...I love her columns by the way haha. GO ANN COULTER!!"
We should act like consumers in a consumer society and demand what we want from the products (or newspapers) we consume.

"How do we get rid of you?
If you stinkin leftists had your spoiled way free speech would be a thing of the past and firing squads would be mowing anyone not of your commie mindset down. It's all fine to degrade the president and say that Palin has incest in her family but just let anyone say a word about a piece of shit pig like Edwards and we should have them banned You are an idiot, a scarey commie leftist idiot you get told what your opinion is and blindly follow."
President Obama, please mow this guy down with a firing squad. Thanks!!!

"You're an evil bitch, bitch. Ann is a capitalist. When you make millions in book sales like she has, give me a call, I'll send you a cookie. 'Till then shut the fuck up."
What kinda cookie?

"I think this video is hilarious... Ann is a slender good looking blonde while the announcer is pretty ordinary looking & fat.... Could this be jealousy perhaps that's driving her?"
Yeah, I don't know how you saw through me. I've been jealous of Ann ever since I saw her.

"well, laurjane, i agree that im not a fan of ms/mrs coulter, but saying "i think she is an evil bitch" is tantamount to actually calling her an evil bitch. so even tho you didnt TECHNICALLY call her an evil bitch, your speech has inclined me to attempt to illuminate the fact that you have sunk to her level; can you see how calling her an evil bitch is just as wrong as her thinking john edwards is a faggot? as i said, i do not like her views either, but continuing the hate is not preferable... "
Hehe.

"ask her to take her column out of there??? real nice to see a little kid trying to suppress someone's free speech. You need to get a grip on reality, this is the United States where everyone can have a voice not just ppl you agree with."
Hey, if I look like a little kid now, I'm gonna look awesome when I'm old!

"Ann is intellectually superior to most...certainly to you...she speaks truth, and that without malice...she's a modern day Patrick Henry...for that reason, the mediocre...that'd be you...despise her..."
She may be all these things, but it'd be better/quieter for all of us if she made as many long pauses like you for no reason at all.

"ISLAM IS A MENTAL CANCER
MOHAMEMD IS A VILE MURDERER WAKE UP STUPID MUSLIMS GOOGLE IT

Tabari VIII:181 The Messenger ordered six men and four women to be assassinated

Tabari VII:85 Muhammad killed many Quraysh polytheists at Badr

Bukhari:V4B52N260 "The Prophet said, 'If a Muslim discards his religion, kill him.'"

Bukhari:V5B59N512 "The Prophet had their men killed, their woman and children taken captive." "
I read this comment out of context; I guess there's some debate that prompted it. I decided not to read the context, because, well, it's just better that way!

I'll bet on it.

2008-11-04T17:02:00.000-08:00

I predict that either John McCain or Barack Obama will be our next president.*

*Or maybe Texas Tech.

Blog 1001...

2008-11-01T17:47:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I know, I know. I have a bad habit of beginning blogs and abandoning them as soon as they pick up steam. But hey, at least my left behind blogs aren't Wal-Marts, so bear with me... I'm gonna ease myself into this whole blogging thing again and well, we'll just see how it goes. I'll paint by numbers for this post and just recap the past few months of mi vida, but I'll try to be more interesting in the future.

I've been out of town three times the past month!

The first weekend in October my sister and I drove for four hours to Corrigan, an itsy bitsy, depressed East Texas town where my grandparents live. Hurricane Ike clearly shook Me Maw and Paw Paw up and some of its leftovers were still in plain sight.

It was really cathartic to see Paw Paw and listen to him (I used to halfheartedly pay attention to his long, disjointed World War 2 stories but this time it was different).

He reminds me of my dad a lot so I felt all kinds of feelings... I'm not sure if/when we'll go back; it's a hard trip to take, physically and emotionally. But it can be a funny one as well. Me Maw and Paw Paw attend a 7th Day Adventist church, along with 10 other old people, including a spunky, little lady who happens to be a music prodigy. She plays all the hymns by ear on a slightly out-of-tune piano (it's okay, everyone sings out-of-tune, too). After the service, she told me about how her granddaughter sings secular Disney music at school, but needs to sing for the Lord instead.

Every time someone asked about whether or not my sister and I had boyfriends, Missy would blurt out that yes we do, and in fact, we live with them. I'm pretty sure the church is now praying for our salvation every Saturday.

Last weekend I went to Port Aransas with Ben's family. I've never been to the Texas coast, (or eaten Texas Toast for that matter), so it was nice to go... I just wish we could have stayed longer.

For Halloween, Ben and I went to see Kamelot in San Antonio. We almost didn't make it to the venue because Google Maps, my navigation system, and humans failed to give us good directions. Once we got there, though, (thanks to a Best Buy employee), it was super fun.

I've never been to a metal concert before so I probably should've embraced this and dressed up like a sore thumb. Kamelot's music is very melodic and pretty, though, which is why I picked them over other bands Ben likes. (Download the songs "Abandoned" and "Anthem" if you're curious.)

Anyways, no dressing up like a slut on 6th Street or handing out treats to kids this year... but hey, I decorated my desk!

Conan's getting bigger and (better-behaved?) every day... but he's still too cute for words... sometimes. Sometimes I can think of a lot of words to call him. He'll chew anything once and recently went #2 in the house. But hey, that's what puppies do and that's what carpet cleaner is for!

I'm really relieved we've got NBC back... considering this is the best season of "The Office" yet!!! "The Hills" has also been great so far -- Whitney kissed Brodie? What the fuck?

Well, I guess that's all I have to blog about for now. I'll leave you with this...